A Much-Needed Nod of Thanks and Love to My Parents, By: Jason Hahr



Image of one arm wearing a yellow sweatshirt and the hand attached has nude colored fingernails and another arm wearing a brown colored jacket. Both hands are holding each other.

What does it mean to experience intimacy? Are disabled people even capable of it? These are good questions, and hopefully this post will provide some answers. 

There are several types of intimacy one can engage in during a relationship. However, intimacy is generally defined as “a feeling of close connection and deep understanding between two people” (Dictionary.com). For the purposes of this post, we will discuss the following areas of intimacy. Emotional, Physical, Sexual, Intellectual, Spiritual, Social. Seeing that I’m no expert in psychology, having taken only enough psychology classes to earn a minor in College, I will rely heavily on other resources for this piece. 

The idea for this piece came about after reading an article in Rolling Inspiration magazine. It talked about how to maintain boundaries and intimacy after someone becomes disabled due to a spinal cord injury. The article, which I will link at the bottom of this piece, prompted me to think about my family’s situation. By that, I mean I have always been disabled; my father has not. He became disabled in 2012 after suffering a brain bleed. Luckily, he is still living and is as ornery as ever. 

When I began researching the next topic I was going to write about, I started thinking about my parents' relationship. Particularly, my mom and dad’s perspectives on things. I have only seen their dynamic from one lens my entire life. Indeed, most relationships do not turn into the type of relationship my parents have. My mom is not only my dad’s best friend but his primary caretaker. I don’t believe I am being presumptuous by assuming that it would sometimes improve someone’s relationship and other times not. 

When I read the article mentioned above, I noticed it was written in a very scientific style. While it offered some valuable advice, such as the importance of setting boundaries and making time for intimacy, the article adopted a research-based perspective, almost as if Sheldon and Leonard from the television show The Big Bang Theory were offering dating advice. Still, they had minimal experience with the reality of dating someone. In other words, the advice is excellent, but until you live the reality that my mom, dad, and millions of others like them live daily, advice is just advice. 

The dynamics of my parents’ relationship have had their ups and downs, but they still find time to love each other and express that love in their unique way. Whether it's my mom and dad watching a show for only half an hour at a time, or my mom bringing my dad blueberries before he asked for them. Okay, I don’t know if the last example happened exactly as I wrote it, but that would be something my mom wouldn’t only do for my dad, but for anyone. 

When I started this blog, it was a jumble in my head, but as I sit here and dictate this to one of my caregivers, I realize now that the first paragraph does fit. The only difference is that the definitions of the different types of intimacy I’m going to leave you with won’t be so scientific. 

Emotional intimacy in my parents' case may look different because of the nature of my dad’s injury. Still, it doesn’t mean there isn’t an emotional connection anymore, just that it changes as the relationship evolves. The second type of intimacy I mentioned at the beginning of this blog is physical. For my parents, simply sitting and holding hands, or being near each other, is an expression of physical intimacy. The random kiss on the forehead before bed or early in the morning, which we often take for granted, is amplified for them. The third type of intimacy is sexual, and it would be inappropriate for me to even think about discussing that part of my parents’ relationship.

 I will group the last three types of intimacy, even though they are different, because I believe this is where my parents’ relationship is strongest. They have a great spiritual connection, and even though they don’t attend church regularly, they raised both my sister and me as Christians, and they still maintain their faith despite the circumstances God has given them. My parents are also social butterflies. I swear, my mom should have been an event planner; she is always looking for stuff for us to do and always has an eye for entertainment. Even though my dad gets worn out quicker these days, he still makes an effort to join these gatherings. 

Overall, my parents have faced some truly unique circumstances. They have two kids, one of whom, me, is in a wheelchair, and they have had to deal with my dad’s brain injury. (Being in a wheelchair is not a bad thing.) It just makes life challenging, but in a fun, unique, engaging, and sometimes frustrating way. Having said that, despite all the wonderful, not-so-wonderful stuff, insert another word if you want to, they’re doing pretty damn well. I couldn’t have asked for better parents. While this started as a post on how to maintain intimacy in a relationship, I realize it ended up more of a thank-you letter to my parents. 

Until next time, your friendly neighborhood, super grateful advocate for my many blessings, Jay

Resources: 
https://www.rollinginspiration.co.za/balancing-independence-and-support/





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