It has been a few months since my last blog. However, with it being a new year, what better time than now to hit the ground running with a new sense of purpose and passion? It has always fascinated me how humans can become so disenchanted with life that we reach extremely dark places. To be honest, that’s where I have been the last few months, although it may not seem that way to outsiders. Depression rears its head in the most positive and happy people. You may ask what do I have to be depressed about? To answer without unloading every single problem I face, let’s just say there are quite a few things about my life that would depress most people. How you overcome the difficult times you face defines you as a person. We often require the help and advice of our friends, colleagues, and family to reach the other side of that “dark place.” Lucky for me, I have an amazing group of people that make up the support team that helps me navigate through my “dark place.”
Recently, I was having a conversation with one of those people when she brought up a topic that I believe does not get discussed the way it should be in the disability community. Although oftentimes, we have to remind others disabled people are just like everyone else. For the purpose of this article/blog, I am not referring to the differences our disabilities present physically or, in some cases cognitively, rather I am simply referring to the idea that, like the rest of humanity, disabled people want and deserve to experience the joy and happiness that come with genuine friendship. Bearing this in mind, I will use the rest of this piece to rather provocatively argue that although disabled people may not mean to, sometimes, in our pursuit of genuine friendship, we shoot ourselves in the proverbial foot. Don’t agree? You have the right to feel that way, but if you indulge me, here are a few examples to support my assertion.
I use personal care services to perform my everyday ADLs. This means I am with a caregiver in a one-on-one situation most of the time. The caregivers do mostly everything for me. They help me in the restroom, and until recently, they help me eat all the time. (I now occasionally, depending on what I am eating, will use adaptive utensils,) as well as many other activities throughout the day. Naturally, when people spend so much time together, they will become close on some level. What I believe happens to people with disabilities is that they believe that every caregiver they have will be a friend for life. Now I am not saying that caregivers don’t fall into that category by any means. I myself have a handful of caregivers that either work for me now or have worked for me in the past that I consider “genuine friends.” I am simply arguing that because our desire to make friends is so strong that sometimes we mistake someone’s being friendly forNeeds when you read it again, some time will friendship. Sometimes we’ll forget that boundaries must be established between us and our PCA. You must remember that it is incredibly rare in life to have true friends, either in a professional setting or otherwise. The few true friendships we are lucky enough to develop throughout life must be cherished and treated as special. Regarding people with disabilities, we must set boundaries with our PCAS and realize that most of them will not become lifelong friends.
There is yet another area where people with disabilities sometimes forget about the rarity of true friendship. I believe because a large portion of people with disabilities did not grow up with the same social opportunities as our able-bodied counterparts, it is hard for us to navigate the social structure of society. We often get so attached to people that we do not realize it is natural for people to come in and out of our life. That being said, it is unfair for us as people with disabilities to expect every friend we make to talk to us regularly. I have had to learn this the hard way. I now understand that life happens. Just because you don’t talk to someone regularly does not mean they don’t care for you.
In closing, I would like to say that the views expressed in this blog are my own. They may or may not reflect the views of other individuals with disabilities. As a final thought, I know that I have grown a lot, but I also know that to fully grow as a person, my journey will never stop.
Until next time…
Jason
Definition of Terms
1. ADLs-Activities of Daily living
2. PCA (Personal Care Assistant)
