Lets Get Intimate

CONTENT WARNING! READER DISCRETION STRONGLY ADVISED.

So something is bugging me. I’ve been watching a lot of political television lately, and a lot of the conversation has been about how my generation does not know how to communicate because of their reliance on technology. This is an interesting topic, but it also got me thinking about other issues and the way my generation views them.

As someone in his late twenties, I find myself every once in awhile craving stability and a family. I feel this is a natural thought process for anybody who is on the other side of 25. The only difference with me is that I am disabled. Disability and intimacy don’t usually go together. Perhaps that is why I feel the need to write this blog.

I’ve written a lot about funny stuff, serious stuff, but never an issue that affects me so deeply. What I am about to say may come off as controversial or different, so if you choose not to read further I understand. Understand however that if you do read further, you are going to hear some things you are not used to.

In other blogs, I have written that disability is seen as strange because it is different. The relationship arena and specifically the sexual arena are no different for people with disabilities. Most people have a preconceived notion of what beauty is. Most often it is someone skinny, fit, athletic, very rarely do people with disabilities come into the attractive conversation. When people with disabilities present themselves as dressed to the nines, people don’t take it, as they should. They are taken aback that “these people” even care about their appearance. However physical appearance is not the only problem that disabled people face in the relationship and sexual arena. Some disabled people yes indeed cannot help their appearance because of certain deformities, so they are already at a disadvantage. These deformities aside, there are much more fundamental barriers that disabled people face in these two areas. 

Before I go into these issues and my opinions on them, please watch the following video on disability uncensored. It is a great documentary that is about fifteen minutes long. It will better provide a background for the rest of this blog. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA020ShNQr8

Although the documentary has a more cavalier attitude about sex than I do, it brings up a good point. Disabled people, myself included are often seen as not having intimate feelings and desires. I cannot count the number of times that I have been out with somebody on an actual date and I get one of the following reactions from people. They ask either, “are you two related?” or “is she working for you?” In the documentary I cited, an interesting point is brought up. When people desexualize people with disabilities it is almost yet another way to treat us as second-class citizens. I am not saying that I go out and sleep with anybody, but I have desires just like anybody else.

There is an even greater problem though, and people with disabilities themselves often perpetuate the problem. If by chance someone with a severe disability happens to find someone who would consider dating him or her, it often never happens. Why is this? I’m only 27 and have not lived life all the way through yet, however with what I have seen I have come to this conclusion. It often never happens because of a fundamental belief on the part of both parties that the boyfriend or girlfriend would have to take care of the disabled person. Who wants that? Nobody wants to be a caregiver; they want a partner, someone they can confide in and lean on, and someone who can care for them. Disabled people are not often seen as being capable of doing this because they are seen as helpless.  We are not. We are capable of many things, but we shoot ourselves in the foot more often than not.

As I said in my the last blog, disabled people set the bar so low for themselves that they allow themselves to be viewed as helpless. Sometimes they even believe this themselves. As this blog has tried to advocate in the past, we are only as helpless as we make ourselves. This holds true in the sexual and relationship arena as well. If we go into it believing that we're going to have a caregiver who also feels for us in an intimate way, we are setting ourselves up for failure. Able-bodied people need to realize something as well. A relationship is not all about the physical. It is about communication. To be blunt intimacy is not often always about penis and vagina intercourse but can be as simple as human touch or as complex as lovemaking. It is all dependent on the couple. One thing that has to change is the lack of communication in relationships, and this I fear is why disabled people have such a hard time nowadays.

Now a day everything is about instant gratification. You cant go five minutes without seeing someone on their phone or updating their Facebook status. For a successful relationship we need to get back to the basics of love. No maybe we don’t need to go to Texas, but we need to get back to the basics of human interaction. Most importantly however, we need to stop selling relationships as a one size fits all thing. People need to understand that judging someone based on their obstacles only causes you to lose out on something great. 

We’re Really Not That Different

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been busy and am currently entered in the Screenwriting Challenge 2013 presented by NYC Midnight. So I’ve been bouncing around ideas for that. However, I watched a music video today that got me thinking about an old friend. In turn, that got me thinking about the idea of disability and relationships. For this blog, relationships are not talking about friendships but relationships on a romantic level.

       I ended up watching Rascal Flatts “What Hurts the Most,” which is a good video, and it got me thinking about someone I used to be close to. In this blog, I will refer to her merely as KB. Those who know me will know the initials, but since this is being read about the world, I want to protect her anonymity a little bit. Anyway, what hurts the most got me thinking about all that was left unsaid between me and this individual and the personal walls and hells I’ve put myself through. Once I was done having a moment of self-pity, it got me thinking about a larger concept about disabilities and relationships. Before one continues, I feel it is essential to place the following video here: I got the title for my blog. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-r9KAU-RKu4
As my one friend said, it is a relatively progressive video which shows that people of all shape, sizes, race, and beliefs at their core all possess fundamental needs and desires. That being said, there is a message that I need to espouse.

       As I’ve termed them, “exceptionalities” are no different, but when you have a physical exceptionality, it seems as if you struggle more to find a healthy relationship. This next piece of the blog may be a little uncomfortable to some readers, but it is the reality of my life and those similar to me.

       A certain amount of physical contact, whether sexual or otherwise, is necessary for any healthy relationship because words can only communicate so much. Sorry to keep referring back to music in this blog, but it is like the one band known as Extreme with their song More Than Words in which the song says, “What would you say if I took those words away?” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrIiLvg58SY

They emphasize that words can only do so much. Physical contact is necessary. This is why I hold the following belief, and I also believe many others who are disabled like I think that it is tough to date somebody who is more disabled than you if you are disabled. It may not make sense to one who does not understand the dynamics but let me give an example. If I were confined to a power wheelchair and the person I am dating is also confined to a power wheelchair, it is tough to lean over and give them a hug or kiss. Some individuals overcome these obstacles, but with my limited mobility, I have determined that it would be impossible for me to date somebody as disabled as I am. Going along with this, I often find myself attracted to non-disabled individuals.

       No, I do not know what it’s like to be able-bodied at all, but I do know what it’s like to be a 20 something individual in my generation. It appears as if a majority of my age, whether male or female, is looking for a quick fix hookup type scenario. As a disabled person, I have needs as well, but I do not view sex the way my generation views it, but I acknowledge that even though I am physically disabled, I do have desires. One will find that if they ask a majority of disabled individuals whether they view sex as a casual thing or not, they will admit that they have strong sexual desires, perhaps stronger than those of their non-disabled friends. I cannot explain it, but this is just what I have experienced. That being said, there is a common problem when one has a physical disability. We often end up being the emotional boyfriend or girlfriend to someone rather than their actual significant other.

       What do I mean by emotional significant other? I have had many friends in my life, and I know other physical people who have also been in this situation. Where are you in friendship with somebody of the opposite sex? In the beginning, you feel no attraction to them because, unlike popular belief, we do not want to date everyone we are surrounded by if we have a disability. However, as the relationship grows, they find comfort in you as a disabled person because of your perspective on life and your way of looking at things, and they will come to you with their problems rather than their significant other. This, in and of itself, would not be a problem except that disabled people are human too, and eventually, feelings will develop in some cases. When this does happen: I will use an example from my own life but protect her anonymity; we will call her Cristina. Cristina and I were friends my sophomore and junior year of Undergrad. She started working for me as a part of my homework aide staff, and quickly we saw that we were going to get along. We started hanging out more outside the work environment. When you work with somebody constantly, as near as I do with all the people who help me, you will see sides of them that they don’t show the rest of the world.

Everyone has bad days, and everyone needs someone to listen to. Well, this occurred with Cristina. She was having relationship problems, and I was a good friend, or so I thought until one day she said to me, “You would be the perfect boyfriend except you’re in a power chair. I don’t know if I could handle it.” This is a legitimate concern, but I had no attraction to her, so I blew it off. As the days and weeks went by, however, the interest began to develop. Eventually, we revisited the conversation, and I said, “A while ago, you said I would be the perfect boyfriend except for the fact I am in a chair. What did you mean?” She replied with one of the most hurtful friends that a friend has ever said to me, “I don’t know that I could be with you because you’re in a chair. It has nothing to do with you. It’s just your chair.”

       First off, that doesn’t even make sense because of the chair; I may not like it is a part of who I am. If you cannot accept all of someone, how can you possibly be with them? Second off, I have heard people equated not like women of color, and it may be the same, but I do not see it that way. I see it as “I like you, but there’s something wrong with you, and if you could fix it, you would be perfect!” That comment from Cristina sent me into a deep reflective thought period. Or at least that’s the politically correct term for it. It sent me into a dark period where I had issues accepting who I was and contemplated suicide. Not cool, but it helped in the end. To end the Cristina story, let me say we remained friends for a couple of months longer, and she thought she could handle it, so she led me on. She liked the attention I gave her but was too afraid to hurt my feelings to say that it wouldn’t happen. I lost a good friend of mine Sarah Thompson over this. I should have listened to her, and this is my apology to her. I hope she can forgive me.  Back to my point, though. Persons with disabilities find someone that they are attracted to, and the attraction is stronger because not a lot of people give persons with disabilities the time of day in that department. Sad, but true.

 

       The Cristina example was to illustrate what I’m about to say. Relationships with persons with disabilities or exceptionalities are not that different. Still, they do not occur very often because of two reasons: one being the able-bodied object of affection is afraid of something or another, mostly having to take care of the individual instead then become a partner or two that the disabled person’s expectations of their partner.

       There is a small percentage of physically disabled and power chair bound people that ruin it for the rest of us. They expect the person they are with to take care of their every need. This means both physical, aka sexually, and physical, aka non-sexually. Persons with disabilities that small portion anyway sees their partner as a full-time caregiver and not a partner. This is what society has ingrained into abled-bodied persons’ subconscious that it will be this way. I am here to tell you that it will not.

       If a person with a physical disability who is either bound to a manual wheelchair or a power wheelchair truly cares about an individual, then they will not let you perform their personal care tasks whenever necessary. We are not that different from you. We laugh, cry, dream, hurt, we want, we love, and fear. The only thing that makes us different is our physical needs, and it is not your job as a significant other to deal with those physical needs.

       I know this blog will not change society’s perception overnight or relationships with persons having severe disabilities and non-disabled people. However, it is an issue that needs to be discussed and brought to light. We cannot pretend that disabled people are not human, and we cannot pretend that attractions do not occur. It is only through discussion and frank conversation such as this one that a few souls will change reality for the rest of us. In closing, I must say that I do look up to those non-disabled people, i.e., Kayte Fry, who, at one point or another in their lives, looked past someone’s physical presence and found the human inside their soul. Although we do not speak anymore, Kayte and I were not directly involved with your relationship with this person; I am eternally grateful to you for realizing that we are not all that different.

 

Footnotes:  

1.) Collin Raye “Not That Different” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-r9KAU-RKu4

2.) Extreme’s song “More Than Words”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrIiLvg58SY