So, it's been about a week or so
since I last posted. Since then, I've gotten older. I had
my 27th birthday, which was a quiet one this
year. One of the more unexpected gifts that I got was a Voiceless
Minority T-shirt. It looks pretty awesome. I will soon post
pictures, thanks to my family for getting it for me. Speaking of
family, it due to recent conversations that family and disability will be the
subject of this post.
I
am not a psychologist, even though I took a few classes here and there. However,
I do believe it is human nature to want offspring. Our lives are only a blip on
the cosmic radar. It is through offspring that one leaves
impressions and legacies behind. This blog will not discuss how there
is an overwhelming number of disabled children in America that need to be
adopted, even though that is the problem that needs to be addressed, instead
let's talk about disability and love.
In
one of my earliest blogs, I talked about the eugenics movement in the
US. That blog is called The Dark Side of Disability. Supporters
of the eugenics movement felt that disabled people should not be allowed to
reproduce. In a sense, they were dictating for us without
us. I, like many others, find this to be unacceptable. In
a book that I am reading entitled, What We Have Done, an Oral History
of the Disability Rights Movement, by Fred Pelka, I continue to learn
more about the disability movement I have recently become so passionate
about. The opening line in the book hits me extremely
hard. It is a slogan that is used widely throughout the disability
rights movement. Simply activists demand, "Nothing about us
without us." This slogan refers to several things, but it can
be mainly applied to the family discussion.
I
recently turned 27, and like most late twenty-somethings, I have become a bit
more focused as of late. Apart from focusing on finishing a degree,
I am also focusing on what my future holds in all aspects of life. I
have decided that I am bound and determined to have a family. Some
have told me that this is perfectly reasonable, while others have launched the
following point against it. You would be missing out on so many life
activities of your kids, i.e., Playing ball, holding them without assistance,
changing diapers… wouldn't that be too hard for you? And still,
others have said you would be basically just donating sperm and being there for
emotional support. To all who have waited on the issue, I appreciate
it; however, I have this to say on behalf of myself and, I hope, also, on
behalf of disabled people in general:
What
makes a good parent? Is it how many times one can throw a ball back
and forth? Is it how many diapers one changes in a
lifetime? That is part of it, but it is not the heart of
it. The nature of being a parent is instilling caring and love into
another human life for eighteen years. By that point, you hope that
they have become good people and productive citizens. How often do
you look back and wonder, "Did I change their diaper right on that first
Wednesday home?" I realize that people with physical
disabilities are limited as far as the type of physical interaction they can
involve themselves in. However, accommodations can be made.
When
a baby is firstborn, he needs a lot of attention physically and emotionally. While
I am grateful that I can't change a poopy diaper, I present a way that a male
who is as physically challenged as I am can connect with his son or daughter. I
have often criticized these inventions as "hippie" or "new age."
Still, in all seriousness, those baby carriers one occasionally sees would be
the perfect solution to my lack of ability to hold my infant without "lobster-clawing"
it to death. The mother, my future wife, could indeed position the
infant in my arms and on my lap as my parents did with my cute, "Q-ball
headed" baby sister. On a final note in regard to males
and raising their infants, I'm sure with a little outside the box thinking, one
could even rig up a way to feed their small alien a bottle at three in the
morning.
While
I am not well versed in what a female has to do with nurturing and caring for
the infant, I am aware that she is often more physically involved than the male's
participation. To go out on a limb, I can suggest that if a female
was in my situation, her partner could take on diaper duties, and as far as
breastfeeding goes, there would be a way to adapt that as
well. Before I end this section on raising infants and physical
contact, I must ask the question, are our minds as a society so narrow that we
are unable to think about anything other than what we are used
to? To the several individuals who have recently tried to dissuade
me, I say that disabled people have great gifts to share with society, and it
is sad that you want to pass over those gifts before we have had the chance to
share them with the rest of the world.
The
physical care of an offspring is an issue, but others have raised a more
pressing and disturbing case to me when it comes to family. They
suggest that it might be hard for me because I'm missing out on certain
activities with my child. In response to that, all I can say is, "Come
on, man, you make that argument?" I have
missed out on various aspects of it; walking, running, standing, using the
restroom, etc. At first, I have accepted the issues of this part of my
disability. I have had enough time to deal with it. I acknowledge
that some disabled people have not accepted their disability for what it
is. Still, the majority of the disability community is well aware of what they
are missing out on.
Another point I will use to support my argument is the
example of single motherhood. With many single mothers in this
country, one cannot help but notice a few things. In many cases,
single mothers are not helped out by the fathers of the
children. One may ask how they deal with missing out on certain male
experiences crucial for male children to have. The answer is that if
a mother is thinking outside of the box, they seek other strong influences in
their children's lives. That being said, why couldn't this be the case if a
child had a disabled parent? Yes, my spouse or I may lack in certain
areas, but that is what a strong support system is for. Even though
it only takes two people to make a child, it takes various people, including
relatives, parents, friends, teachers, and others, to develop a child.
Finally, as I've said in many of my pieces, it is not my
goal to force people to see the world the way I do, but it is the goal of this
blog to show people that disabled people are human, too. We are not
defined by our disability. Oftentimes our disabilities are simply a
very small part of who we are. As it is in human nature to want to
pass on legacies and values, it is in the nature of the disabled to want to do
the same. I ask this question if we have overcome obstacles to this
point of our lives, what is parenthood but another obstacle to
overcome. The only difference is that this time, we want to struggle
just like everyone else.
