CONTENT WARNING! READER
DISCRETION STRONGLY ADVISED.
So something is
bugging me. I’ve been watching a lot of political television lately, and a lot
of the conversation has been about how my generation does not know how to
communicate because of their reliance on technology. This is an interesting
topic, but it also got me thinking about other issues and the way my generation
views them.
As someone in his
late twenties, I find myself every once in awhile craving stability and a
family. I feel this is a natural thought process for anybody who is on the
other side of 25. The only difference with me is that I am disabled. Disability
and intimacy don’t usually go together. Perhaps that is why I feel the need to
write this blog.
I’ve written a lot
about funny stuff, serious stuff, but never an issue that affects me so deeply.
What I am about to say may come off as controversial or different, so if you
choose not to read further I understand. Understand however that if you do read
further, you are going to hear some things you are not used to.
In other blogs, I
have written that disability is seen as strange because it is different. The
relationship arena and specifically the sexual arena are no different for
people with disabilities. Most people have a preconceived notion of what beauty
is. Most often it is someone skinny, fit, athletic, very rarely do people with
disabilities come into the attractive conversation. When people with
disabilities present themselves as dressed to the nines, people don’t take it,
as they should. They are taken aback that “these people” even care about their
appearance. However physical appearance is not the only problem that disabled
people face in the relationship and sexual arena. Some disabled people yes
indeed cannot help their appearance because of certain deformities, so they are
already at a disadvantage. These deformities aside, there are much more
fundamental barriers that disabled people face in these two areas.
Before I go into
these issues and my opinions on them, please watch the following video on
disability uncensored. It is a great documentary that is about fifteen minutes
long. It will better provide a background for the rest of this blog. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA020ShNQr8
Although the documentary has a more cavalier attitude about sex than I do, it brings up a
good point. Disabled people, myself included are often seen as not having
intimate feelings and desires. I cannot count the number of times that I have
been out with somebody on an actual date and I get one of the following
reactions from people. They ask either, “are you two related?” or “is she
working for you?” In the documentary I cited, an interesting point is brought
up. When people desexualize people with disabilities it is almost yet another way
to treat us as second-class citizens. I am not saying that I go out and sleep
with anybody, but I have desires just like anybody else.
There is an even
greater problem though, and people with disabilities themselves often
perpetuate the problem. If by chance someone with a severe disability happens
to find someone who would consider dating him or her, it often never happens.
Why is this? I’m only 27 and have not lived life all the way through yet,
however with what I have seen I have come to this conclusion. It often never
happens because of a fundamental belief on the part of both parties that the
boyfriend or girlfriend would have to take care of the disabled person. Who
wants that? Nobody wants to be a caregiver; they want a partner, someone they can
confide in and lean on, and someone who can care for them. Disabled people are
not often seen as being capable of doing this because they are seen as
helpless. We are not. We are capable of
many things, but we shoot ourselves in the foot more often than not.
As I said in my the last blog, disabled people set the bar so low for themselves that they allow
themselves to be viewed as helpless. Sometimes they even believe this
themselves. As this blog has tried to advocate in the past, we are only as helpless
as we make ourselves. This holds true in the sexual and relationship arena as
well. If we go into it believing that we're going to have a caregiver who also
feels for us in an intimate way, we are setting ourselves up for failure. Able-bodied
people need to realize something as well. A relationship is not all about the
physical. It is about communication. To be blunt intimacy is not often always
about penis and vagina intercourse but can be as simple as human touch or as
complex as lovemaking. It is all dependent on the couple. One thing that has to
change is the lack of communication in relationships, and this I fear is why
disabled people have such a hard time nowadays.
Now a day
everything is about instant gratification. You cant go five minutes without
seeing someone on their phone or updating their Facebook status. For a
successful relationship we need to get back to the basics of love. No maybe we don’t
need to go to Texas, but we need to get back to the basics of human
interaction. Most importantly however, we need to stop selling relationships as
a one size fits all thing. People need to understand that judging someone based
on their obstacles only causes you to lose out on something great.
