How To Have a Healthy and Long Lasting Relationship With Your Significant Other

Hello again, I hope that everyone who is reading this had a great weekend and enjoyed the posts from last week. 

On Friday, I wrote about privacy and setting boundaries when you have a disability. This post will examine boundaries also but this time from a different angle. In this piece, we will look at the idea that some people with disabilities tend to rarely find themselves in long-term relationships, because of their inexperience with romantic relationships sometimes they end up unknowingly losing themselves in the relationship and neglecting other parts of their life.  This piece will provide some helpful tips to ensure that any romantic relationship you have as well as the other relationships in your life are balanced.  

Anyone who either knows me or reads this blog regularly will be aware of the fact that I am now in a relationship with a little alien by the name of Samantha. What you may not know is Samantha is the first disabled person I have dated and my first long-term relationship since I was 18. My previous relationship lasted a few months so some might not even call it a long-term relationship. Either way, my relationship with Sam is the longest relationship I have had.  We have only been dating for a little over a year but it has been a wild ride in a very good way. I believe until recently we were still in the honeymoon phase, or at least I was.  This is not to say that we are still not learning about each other and growing together as a couple. 

For the first 13 months or so of our relationship, we would call each other every time we got a break in our day, and this was immensely enjoyable but for my part, it eventually turned into a routine rather than a vibrant conversation with someone I love where we had things to share with each other. That all changed after a conversation a couple months ago. 

One night instead of being nerds and reading the fourth Harry Potter which we have been doing for months…will we ever finish it? I’m hoping so but I will let you know when we do. Anyway, back to my point. One night the topic of our relationship came up. As I said on Friday, when you have people constantly around you, they observe certain things even if you do not know it or want them to. In our conversation, it came out that people in our lives were making comments about our relationship, and at the time I thought they were unfounded. However, looking back, maybe these comments were wiser than I realized. To summarize, many people said we both, but for the most part, I had changed. Upon hearing these comments, I immediately jumped the gun and reacted negatively. 

According to some, they felt that I was consumed with Sam. After taking a breath, Sam calmed me down. She made me realize that perhaps because I have not been in a long-term relationship I was going in full throttle, perhaps even a little too much. It’s funny how people closest to you give the best advice but they are the last ones we listen to. Anyway, as a result of that conversation Sam and I now talk once or twice a day so that we have something to talk about at the end of the day.

I found that our conversations were richer and not as forced as they were when we talked constantly. I am thankful for that. An added benefit of the change in communication style between the two of us is my personal growth. 

I am now developing better relationships with close friends, taking time for family and caregivers, and even getting back in touch with my spiritual side. I was raised Catholic but have drifted away from the Christian church, or for that matter, religion in general. Since I have been in a relationship with my alien, my faith has been reawakened, and I am slowly building upon it. For that, I must thank Sam. Even though I have been surrounded by religion my entire life, when you are forced or constantly reminded to find faith you quit looking for it but when faith finds you this is truly the way a relationship with God is supposed to develop. 

Along with my faith journey, since I have changed the communication style in my relationship, I have paid more attention to the opportunities life is providing me. Recently I have found a new passion for self-advocacy and as I mentioned last week, I have found my true purpose in life. On that topic, my sister pointed out to me that something I said in my blog post last Tuesday might have been misunderstood. 

In the blog, I wrote last Tuesday I mentioned it is my new passion to obtain a law degree in public policy and become a civil rights/public policy attorney. After talking to my sister, I realized that it may have sounded as if I was going to immediately pursue that goal and forget about everything else. The opposite is true. That is my end goal. For those who are curious to know I have a plan of action to get me to that eventual goal. In short, next March I intend to apply for a six-month program in which I will learn how to advocate for different legislative policies that affect people with disabilities in depth. Hopefully, this program will provide me with a foundation for my future goals.

In conclusion, in order to have a healthy fruitful, and most of all lasting relationship with a significant other I have learned that there is one key factor. This simply comes down to personal growth i.e.: having a life apart from your partner so that you can come together as a couple and enrich each other’s lives and grow together. 

I hope you have enjoyed this little bit of relationship advice from someone who is still learning. Having said that, please note the above blog and the advice given in it is just that. You don’t have to agree with what I said at all; if you do that’s great, if you don’t I respect that as well. Anyway, until tomorrow, I hope you have a good rest of the rest of your day.

Jay

When You Have a Disability, Is There Such a Thing As Privacy?

As humans, we crave interaction with others. Indeed. when we don’t have social interaction with other people, feelings of despair and loneliness can overwhelm us. However, in the age of social media have we gone too far? Every aspect of most people’s lives is available for consumption by others now. This may be a new concept to the majority of the world but for one segment of the population, I argue that a lack of privacy is not a new concept. Indeed, it may even be a bigger problem for people with disabilities than their able-bodied counterparts. 

Frequent readers of this blog know that I have a disability known as Cerebral Palsy. Cerebral Palsy, for my new readers, is a congenital disability that occurs at birth. It usually occurs during the delivery process; it is not genetic or at least there is no evidence that it is as of yet. There are many forms of Cerebral Palsy and it can affect people in a variety of ways. Some people with Cerebral Palsy have a slight limp when walking, others use a wheelchair for some things but are semi-self-sufficient. Finally, there are severe cases like mine, where the individual is confined to a wheelchair and requires physical assistance for most activities of daily living (ADLs). Cerebral Palsy does not only affect people physically. Indeed some, unlike myself are intellectually impaired. This is not to say those who are intellectually impaired live less of a life, I’m just recognizing the fact that I am not.

 I am aware of how involved other people are in my life, to put it bluntly: I can’t eat, drink, shower, or even use the toilet without the assistance of someone else. Hence the question in the title of this blog. Is there such a thing as privacy when you have a disability? I argue that when you have a disability it is up to you to demand privacy whenever possible. The rest of this post will hopefully provide you the reader, with a new understanding and perspective as to why I feel the way I do.

Before I go much further, let me address the elephant in the room that I know some of you are thinking about. When you first glanced at the title of the post you probably thought it was going to be primarily about sex and intimacy. Yes, that is part of it, but not all of it. I am blessed enough to have, if I may be so bold as to embarrass her for a second, an extremely gorgeous and sexy little alien girlfriend. I count my blessings every day. I consider it a blessing that she not only puts up with my sarcasm and snarkiness but also my complete nerdiness as well as my overly emotional girly side at times. However, this is not the only way in which I am blessed; I also consider it a blessing that I even have a girlfriend. I am aware that most people with disabilities (I know I’m making a sweeping generalization) are single for one reason or another. Some of it is by choice but I believe, and now here comes the annoying opinion again, that most people with disabilities are single because most of the world sees people with disabilities as undatable. This is coming from experience. Yes, even someone with a disability like mine can be guilty of this type of thinking.

Now that I am done doting on and embarrassing my girlfriend, let me get back to my main point about intimacy, sex, and privacy. Some parents who read this next part may not agree with it because they may have a different view on physical intimacy than I do. You have that right and if you choose to, please skip over this part of the post and move on to the non-intimacy section of the article. I believe in every relationship whether it is one that is just beginning or one that spans multiple decades, there is a need and desire for intimacy both emotional, spiritual, and physical. When you have a disability, however, that may look different than the “norm”.  When you have people all around you 24/7 or close to it, it is nearly impossible to have a “private” conversation even if you put in headphones and talk on the phone or video chat while you are apart, or when you are together shutting the door, problems still arise. 

Caregivers or support personnel or whatever you choose to call them are always around and walls are only so thin. Whether you are having a normal conversation or a more risqué one, unfortunately, whether they intend to or not, other people will overhear your conversation. That being said, it is common for all of us disabled or otherwise, whether we comment or not, to form judgments about what we hear and fill in the missing pieces. 

If that wasn’t bad enough, say a couple reaches that stage where they are ready for physical intimacy and they require caregivers, another question arises. How to involve or not involve help? Everyone deserves physical intimacy at some point in their lives, the question is what do you do when you can’t do certain things on your own? Do you not do them?  It is a sticky question that I don’t think many people are asking. “That dreaded opinion again”. Perhaps the reason they don’t ask such questions is because they don’t see disabled individuals as “capable” of being physically intimate. 

Anyway, moving on from the uncomfortable section of this post. As I said earlier, privacy is much more involved than just privacy in a relationship. How does one maintain their dignity if they are “exposing themselves” and every detail of their lives to caregivers or family members? There are some in my life who have recently said to me that there is no such thing as privacy when you have a disability. It took me a while, but I have come to partially agree with them. I argue that even though one may have family or caregivers extremely involved in their lives, it falls on the person with the disability to create boundaries. This could be something as simple as asking the people in your life to announce their presence in some way; knock on the door before they enter the room or give a verbal signal. Finally, another example of a boundary could be not having people speak for you when you have a disability as they often do (these are only two examples of many).

In conclusion, I believe that privacy is relative when you have a disability. Some aspects of your physical care cannot possibly remain private, but there are aspects of your life whereby taking the proper initiative the person with the disability can maintain or restore some of their privacy. 

Anyway, this has been a long blog and before I overdo it and lose the impact of what you have read, I will say good day. I hope you have enjoyed not only this blog but the other blogs you have read this week. More to come on Monday.