People with disabilities are often infantilized even by those closest to them.
I am 37 years old but sometimes I feel like I’m twelve. I am currently reading a book with my girlfriend Samantha who I affectionately refer to as my “little alien.” The book is entitled The Woman In Me by Britney Spears. Spears’ memoir talks about her early life as a performer and how much she enjoyed it but it also talks about the conservatorship she was under for thirteen years. During the conservatorship, every aspect of her life was controlled by others. My situation is not as severe as Ms. Spears's, but I can sort of relate to her on some level.
For those who are new readers of this blog, you may not know that I have a disability known as Cerebral Palsy or CP, or as I like to call it, T-Rex syndrome. I know some people in the disability community will read this and not like the self-deprecating language I use to describe how cerebral palsy affects me physically. Notice how I didn’t say how my “disability” affects me that is due to a change in my mindset that occurred rather recently. Those who know me know that I’m not the type of person to make a habit out of using politically correct or sanitized language. That being said, I do not believe I am disabled by my diagnoses. I only have “a disability” because society says I do. In a recent conversation with a person from an organization called the Inclusive Hive Community, the question was asked: What are the most common misconceptions about disability. This question was asked to five or six of my fellow self-advocates including myself. I answered the question first with my typical response, that we are more than our disabilities, however, that was not the most eloquent answer I heard during the conversation. I believe the most eloquent and honest answer came from a friend of mine, Chatequa Pinkston. She said something to the effect (sorry if I don’t get the words exactly right Chatequa) that society doesn’t see disabled people as adults. We can accomplish great feats in the area of education and self-advocacy, but still, we are treated like children. I know that was not a direct quote but it is pretty damn close. If I understand Ms. Pinkston’s point clearly, it is that as individuals with “disabilities,” we are only disabled when people say we are. Ms. Pinkston is a published author, and founder of a non-profit along with many other accomplishments but still drives home the point that “disabled people” are not treated as people first, rather the focus is on our diagnosis first.
Another member of the panel who happens to be my girlfriend brought up the idea of disability and family and no, in this case, I literally mean disability and starting a family. She argued that we can achieve great goals in every aspect of life but when we express our desire to start a family we are looked at as if we have three heads. In this case, even the ones we love sometimes say people with disabilities should be satisfied just being in a relationship and “playing the cute couple”; why should we want more. To those skeptics and naysayers, I submit the following argument: it is in human nature to carry on and produce offspring. Little kids not only give parents a chance to pass on what they know to the next generation they also give those around them the opportunity to realize what life is all about.
These two arguments seem unrelated, but I use them to drive home the following point: it is time to stop treating men and women who are in their 30s and 40s as if they are incapable of living a “normal life”. We are living in 2023 not 1823. The archaic views about people with disabilities maturing slower than their abled-bodied counterparts are just not accurate. If we mature at a different speed than our able-bodied counterparts it is because we have not been given the opportunity to grow and develop without being coddled. Whether it is financially or otherwise, disabled people have the right to fail. It is through failure one grows into who they are supposed to be. The only way “disabled people” are going to grow is when people who love and care for them as well as society as a whole stop treating this entire group of people as if we are incapable of taking care of ourselves if we are given the right tools.
It is time to end this practice, but I know it will take more than just this blog to change the minds and hearts of not only my loved ones but almost everyone else as well.
I know that was a lot to digest and this has been one of my more in-depth blogs of late. Always remember though no matter how heavy the subject matter gets, we as “disabled people” need not let others' perceptions or beliefs derail our overall happiness.
Until next time, Your Friendly Neighborhood Super Advocate,
Jay
