Who says we cant have a family

 So, it's been about a week or so since I last posted.  Since then, I've gotten older.  I had my 27^th birthday, which was a quiet one this year.  One of the more unexpected gifts that I got was a Voiceless Minority T-shirt. It looks pretty awesome.  I will soon post pictures, thanks to my family for getting it for me.  Speaking of family, it due to recent conversations that family and disability will be the subject of this post. 

            I am not a psychologist, even though I took a few classes here and there.  However, I do believe it is human nature to want offspring. Our lives are only a blip on the cosmic radar.  It is through offspring that one leaves impressions and legacies behind.  This blog will not discuss how there is an overwhelming number of disabled children in America that need to be adopted, even though that is the problem that needs to be addressed, instead let's talk about disability and love.

            In one of my earliest blogs, I talked about the eugenics movement in the US.  That blog is called The Dark Side of Disability.   Supporters of the eugenics movement felt that disabled people should not be allowed to reproduce.  In a sense, they were dictating for us without us.  I, like many others, find this to be unacceptable.  In a book that I am reading entitled, What We Have Done, an Oral History of the Disability Rights Movement, by Fred Pelka, I continue to learn more about the disability movement I have recently become so passionate about.  The opening line in the book hits me extremely hard.  It is a slogan that is used widely throughout the disability rights movement.  Simply activists demand, "Nothing about us without us."  This slogan refers to several things, but it can be mainly applied to the family discussion.

            I recently turned 27, and like most late twenty-somethings, I have become a bit more focused as of late.  Apart from focusing on finishing a degree, I am also focusing on what my future holds in all aspects of life.  I have decided that I am bound and determined to have a family.  Some have told me that this is perfectly reasonable, while others have launched the following point against it.  You would be missing out on so many life activities of your kids, i.e., Playing ball, holding them without assistance, changing diapers… wouldn't that be too hard for you?  And still, others have said you would be basically just donating sperm and being there for emotional support.  To all who have waited on the issue, I appreciate it; however, I have this to say on behalf of myself and, I hope, also, on behalf of disabled people in general:

            What makes a good parent?  Is it how many times one can throw a ball back and forth?  Is it how many diapers one changes in a lifetime?  That is part of it, but it is not the heart of it.  The nature of being a parent is instilling caring and love into another human life for eighteen years.  By that point, you hope that they have become good people and productive citizens.  How often do you look back and wonder, "Did I change their diaper right on that first Wednesday home?"  I realize that people with physical disabilities are limited as far as the type of physical interaction they can involve themselves in.  However, accommodations can be made.

            When a baby is firstborn, he needs a lot of attention physically and emotionally. While I am grateful that I can't change a poopy diaper, I present a way that a male who is as physically challenged as I am can connect with his son or daughter.  I have often criticized these inventions as "hippie" or "new age." Still, in all seriousness, those baby carriers one occasionally sees would be the perfect solution to my lack of ability to hold my infant without "lobster-clawing" it to death.  The mother, my future wife, could indeed position the infant in my arms and on my lap as my parents did with my cute, "Q-ball headed" baby sister.   On a final note in regard to males and raising their infants, I'm sure with a little outside the box thinking, one could even rig up a way to feed their small alien a bottle at three in the morning.  

            While I am not well versed in what a female has to do with nurturing and caring for the infant, I am aware that she is often more physically involved than the male's participation.  To go out on a limb, I can suggest that if a female was in my situation, her partner could take on diaper duties, and as far as breastfeeding goes, there would be a way to adapt that as well.  Before I end this section on raising infants and physical contact, I must ask the question, are our minds as a society so narrow that we are unable to think about anything other than what we are used to?  To the several individuals who have recently tried to dissuade me, I say that disabled people have great gifts to share with society, and it is sad that you want to pass over those gifts before we have had the chance to share them with the rest of the world.

            The physical care of an offspring is an issue, but others have raised a more pressing and disturbing case to me when it comes to family.  They suggest that it might be hard for me because I'm missing out on certain activities with my child.  In response to that, all I can say is, "Come on, man, you make that argument?"      I have missed out on various aspects of it; walking, running, standing, using the restroom, etc. At first, I have accepted the issues of this part of my disability. I have had enough time to deal with it.  I acknowledge that some disabled people have not accepted their disability for what it is. Still, the majority of the disability community is well aware of what they are missing out on.

 Another point I will use to support my argument is the example of single motherhood.  With many single mothers in this country, one cannot help but notice a few things.  In many cases, single mothers are not helped out by the fathers of the children.  One may ask how they deal with missing out on certain male experiences crucial for male children to have.  The answer is that if a mother is thinking outside of the box, they seek other strong influences in their children's lives. That being said, why couldn't this be the case if a child had a disabled parent?  Yes, my spouse or I may lack in certain areas, but that is what a strong support system is for.  Even though it only takes two people to make a child, it takes various people, including relatives, parents, friends, teachers, and others, to develop a child.

Finally, as I've said in many of my pieces, it is not my goal to force people to see the world the way I do, but it is the goal of this blog to show people that disabled people are human, too.  We are not defined by our disability.  Oftentimes our disabilities are simply a very small part of who we are.  As it is in human nature to want to pass on legacies and values, it is in the nature of the disabled to want to do the same.  I ask this question if we have overcome obstacles to this point of our lives, what is parenthood but another obstacle to overcome.  The only difference is that this time, we want to struggle just like everyone else.