Know Your Worth (and Add Tax): Navigating Online Dating as a Disabled Woman By: Michelle Zeman

 

Man with short brown and woman with long brown hair sitting a table sharing a drink with their arms intertwined

Ahh. . . the world of online dating. It involves so much: finding a potential match, developing a connection, setting up a day and time to meet (assuming the conversation goes anywhere), coordinating a way to get to the location (assuming you need assistance), and then hoping that the date goes well or finding that the person isn’t the right fit.

 

In the words of Smash Mouth’s “All Star”, “There’s so much to do! So much to see!” This is especially the case for dating as a person with a disability.

 

I took time to read Disability Horizon’s article on Disability dating sites: how best to find and make a date. The tips that were provided are pretty spot on to what a person should do when they’re seeking a partner online; however, I myself have found failures with online dating.

 

Here are some of the things that aren’t spoken about when it comes to online dating:

 

●      Sometimes, first impressions are deceiving. I remember talking with someone, and we had a beautiful connection in the beginning. We wrote back and forth to each other, and it really was a great conversation. We spoke for several days through OKCupid in early 2015, and then we set up a date a few days later. We got to the date, and he was texting other people the whole time. It was clear that he didn’t want to be there. I wasn’t sure if it was something I said, or if I wasn’t as “pretty” as my picture online appeared. Regardless, it was a really awkward date. We didn’t talk after that.

 

●      Sometimes, you can be led on. I’ve had a couple of instances where the person I met online strung me along for months - one from Tinder in late 2015 and one again from OKCupid in summer 2012. In both cases, I went on several dates with them, and I thought everything was okay. However, one day, I discovered that they had started relationships with other women by browsing their social media pages. As a result, I got “ghosted” (meaning they stopped talking to me altogether). While I wasn’t broken-hearted about either, it definitely hurt.

○      Side-bar: both of them ended up coming back very temporarily, but then it turned into a ghosting situation again. I have not had any contact with either of them since.

 

●      Sometimes, the people who reach out to you have bad intentions. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen sexually explicit messages from potential partners in the FIRST MESSAGE. I know that in some cases, they’re looking for a “good time”. However, believe it or not. . . I don’t want to see a message about going to “pound town” (whatever that may look like) when I first open a message up.

 

That being said, what were the lessons I learned?

 

●      Know your worth and add tax. When you notice that something is wrong, act on it. There’s a high probability that your gut is right.

 

●      Ask questions. With one of the guys who led me on, I actually asked him flat out, “What are we?” I know that asking that might seem like it’s “rushing”, but this gave me clarity as to where I stood in his eyes. When he said where I stood, it made finding out that he got into a relationship that much easier to swallow.

 

●      Take the time to get to know someone. I’ve lost a lot of trust in dating as a whole, so for me, I think it’s essential to get to know someone so you know what you’re getting into. Some people may want to rush right into a relationship; however, if it doesn’t sit right, then don’t pursue it. Pause, take the time to get to know them (assuming you feel safe to), and see where the connection goes (if anywhere).

 

I’ve seen success stories with online dating from other people’s perspectives. If that’s you, that’s amazing! I personally haven’t had success with online dating, much less dating in the real world. Pursuing isn’t worth the time and pain, so personally, I’d rather be found than find someone. That being said, if my future other half is reading this, get out of the forest and talk to me - whether that be online or in person. I’ll trade your preferred non-alcoholic beverage of choice for a good conversation. 

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